Welcome to the Unexpected Life

"But what is the good of friendship if one cannot say exactly what one means? Anybody can say charming things and try to please and to flatter, but a true friend always says unpleasant things, and does not mind giving pain. Indeed, if he is a really true friend he prefers it, for he knows that then he is going good."
~~Oscar Wilde~~

Recently, at the behest of my friend, Craig, I began conducting interviews amongst most of my friends. Some I conducted face-to-face. Others I conducted over the telephone. Still, others I conducted via e-mail correspondence. The subject of the interview? What else? Me. Needless to say, the interview has been enlightening, but all together maddening.

Four specific questions were asked.

1. What affect do you believe I have on people?
2. What would you say about my character?
3. What would you say about my integrity?
4. How would you describe me—the good, the bad, and the ugly?

In order to make it worthwhile, I committed beforehand to simply sit and listen to or read whatever it is each person had to say, without rebuttal. I made no nasty outbursts when I heard something that stung or I did not agree with. I did not send a scathing e-mail reply out of wounded pride. I sat. I listened. I took the arrows.

And, because these people were my friends, many of them did not shy away from saying what needed to be said. My failed marriage. Wearing my emotions on my sleeve. My unwillingness to listen. My relationship with my daughter, Mackenzie. My acceleration of relationships (Get in, get out, move on…) based on my blatant distrust of anything or anyone human. My proclivity to attach too quickly. My argumentative/confrontational mentality. My commitment to apologetics, but not to the Cross of Christ. My swearing. My struggle between the light and dark side of my soul. It was almost surreal. It was if my friends and family were waiting to say the things I have heard. And I have yet to receive all the responses! To say this is surprising would be a lie. For far too long, I have buried many of the darker things that lurk in my soul without killing them first…so they inevitably resurface.

“There is no heaven that has a little corner of hell in it. God is determined to make you pure, holy, and right, and He will not allow you to escape the scrutiny of the Holy Spirit for even one moment…God is going to bring you out pure, spotless, and undefiled, but He wants you to recognize the nature you were exhibiting—the nature of demanding your right to yourself. The moment you are willing for God to change your nature, His recreating forces will begin to work. And the moment you realize that God’s purpose is to get you into the right relationship with Himself and then with others, He will reach to the very limits of the universe to help you take the right road. ” With these words from My Utmost for His Highest spiritual cannon fire reverberated through the great hall of my soul. I am squeamish at the things my friends and family have said to me. I almost feel as if I am a hopeless cause. Some have told me as much. “I think that though you have done the four questions, you will not use it to change the things that need to be changed and thus this will be a wasted survey,” one person wrote. Ouch. But, if these are the arrows of friends and family—the scrutiny of those who love me—how much more scrutinizing will the Holy Spirit be?