Confessions of a Serial Dater
"We come to love not by
finding a perfect person,
but by learning to see an
imperfect person perfectly."
~~Sam Keen~~
I love when people give me advice about women. I think its funny, cause more often than not, they’ve got no idea what the heck they’re talking about. ‘Listen C,’ they almost always begin. ‘If you want to get a woman you need to do this or that.’ And it always ranges from doing something recklessly stupid, like pretending I’m not interested (Which is simply a waste of time—more on this later) or some slick move that forces a conversation on the unwitting opposite sex. I generally sit and listen to these ‘experts’ (who are generally perpetually single) and nod and pretend to be awed by their dim-witted full-proof plans of woman-domination. I love it when women’s magazines like Cosmo and Mademoiselle purport to know ‘what men need’—sexual and otherwise. More often than not I read this stuff and think, “Wow. I’ve never wanted any of what this woman is talking about…This woman is full of it.” As a person who used to be a serial dater and has been called every name in the book when it comes to dating, I don’t claim to be an authority on the subject, but I’ve got my fair share of experience, so I’m not an idiot.
Some things I have figured out in my time in the dating world:
1. Men and women like each other…a lot.
This is so simple an observation that I ought not even have to mention it. But, in terms of dating, this seems to be something that people notice, but do not appropriately appreciate. We’re attracted to one another like moths to flame. Yes, there are little intricacies and nuances to interpersonal, opposite sex relationships but, by and large, we like each other.
2. Beyond that fact, none of us know anything about each other, so we should stop pretending that we do.
When I was in high school, bless my psychology teacher’s heart, we were forced to listen to Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus by Dr. John Gray. You’d have thought my teacher was in love with this man the way she worshipped him. Even as a senior in high school, I understood perfectly that this man had no idea what the hell he was talking about. If he did, I doubt he would have been divorced and remarried three times. But, there is no shortage of books like this in the self-help section of your local bookstore. I remember working in the receiving bay at my local Barnes & Noble when I was 18. My supervisor had a little phrase taped to the wall that I found hysterical, even 7 years later: Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. End of story.
It gets even worse when you step into the Christian self-help section, though. These are books that rehash the same BS principles, only this time these principles are reworded and apparently sanctioned by God Himself. Titles such as Every Woman’s Desire, For Women Only, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, I Gave Dating a Chance, and my personal favorite, How To Get a Date Worth Keeping: Be Dating In Six Months or Your Money Back! seem to pepper the bookshelves. They all have something good to say, but they all say something different. One emasculates the man in hopes that women will love them (Every Woman’s Desire), another claims we should hearken back to the dark ages of dating by appealing to old-fashioned courtship (I Kissed Dating Goodbye), while yet another challenges us to meet five new people a week as prospective targets (How To Get a Date Worth Keeping).
Yeah, we’ve got it all figured out.
3. Games are stupid…not to mention a colossal waste of time.
Talking with my friend Janice, earlier this afternoon we spoke briefly about this subject. The comment was made, ‘We all play games.’ No. Basketball and hockey are games. Toying mercilessly with someone else’s emotions is not a game. Mean and dumb are two words that [immediately] come to mind. As a matter of fact, people who play this game are stupid and have no idea what a game is. The worst part? Some people are so adept at playing a game they don’t even realize they’re even doing it. And this isn’t a dig at women only, if that’s what you’re thinking. (This ‘venom’ isn’t directed at any one person in particular—I haven’t been burned relationally in quite some time.) Men do this, too. They string women along emotionally, delivering in the area of physical affection, yet become conveniently aloof when it comes to the deeper meaning of the relationship.
4. Being upfront is less of a hassle.
I have often been accused of being too forward. More often than not, my forthrightness is mistaken for one of three things—1. A lack of wisdom
2. Being overly aggressive or 3. Being desperate for any type of relationship. While I have found myself succumbing to one of these three things from time to time, this is usually not the case.
Hey. Here’s a novel idea: If you like someone or you’re attracted to them, tell them. Ask them out on a real date even. The worst they can do is say no. (Well, there are a couple worse things they could do, but I’m trying to keep things simple.) And even if they do, so what? It’s their loss. You’re a great guy/girl, right? Why this approach? It seems so….awkward. You'd think the answer would be obvious, but let me paint a picture for you.
As a teenager, I worked the concession stand at my local Cineplex. My pet peeve was serving other black people who pretended to not know what they wanted when they finally got to the counter. They knew what they wanted. I knew what they wanted. Hell, even the theatre chain knew what they wanted and stocked up on more of it when “black” movies came out. We like nachos and cheese, hot dogs, Watermelon Sour Patch Kids, and fruit punch or orange pop. It’s not a stereotype and I don’t mean to set “my people” back 40 years or anything or cause any type of racial division. It’s simply an observation that was almost always true. (That’s not the point of this entry, though. You can read Diogene’s blog for that kind of heady material.) What drove me crazy was the false pretenses people would put up about ordering something other that what we both already knew they were going to get. Why pretend to even consider the popcorn and hem and haw at me when you know and I know you want the nachos? The only consideration really left was ‘What size?’ You’re wasting both of our time, you’re gonna get a bad seat and you’re holding up my line.
The same is true of relationships. If you like someone, why waste time pretending you don’t? There is no waste of time in being friends. Don’t hear me saying that. But, it is wasting time by one or both parties acting as if they have no desire for each other. You want him. He wants you. Go for it. Even if the interest is not returned (which, unfortunately, is often the case), at least it’s out there.
Some find this approach much too forward and unwise. Most people who say this are women, so this answer is for the most part directed at them: If you don’t want honesty now, don’t expect it later.
5. God doesn’t have nearly as much to do with dating as you’d like Him to. (For Christians only, unless you’re pre-Christian and game for what I have to say)
Currently, I’m interested in a few different women. Some blonde. Some brunette. Some younger. Some older. Some non-comittally dating other people. I’m an equal opportunity dater.
Often, I hear people say they are waiting for God to bring someone to them. (Actually, this is often what I refer to as ‘the Christian cop-out’; nothing more than a nice way of saying, ‘I’m not interested in you, so find yourself a nice hole to crawl in and die you scumbag.’) But, for those who aren’t using it as a poor excuse, God doesn’t have very much to do with this process.
My thoughts on this are simple. God does not really care who we date. (Sorry if that thought makes you squeamish.) He didn’t even make Adam date Eve. He simply presented her to the man. Adam made the next step. The key is not who we date, but how we date them. Sure, there are some basic principles laid down in Scripture about the type of person and the characteristics you ought to look for, but there are 6 billion people on the planet. What are the odds that more than one are bound to have good qualities? Its ultimately your job to decide which one is a keeper. Do we treat her with love and tenderness? Do we treat him with honor and respect? In the end, even if you and I don’t get married to whoever it is we date right now or down the road, if we date in a way consistent with principles of Godliness, there will be less regrets that enter into our seperate marriage beds.
So, those are my thoughts. I’m still learning and I’m still growing. I've been around the bend once. I find the second time around is more refreshing. I’m not a player. I’m not a pimp. I’m a person. So are you. What are your thoughts?
Some things I have figured out in my time in the dating world:
1. Men and women like each other…a lot.
This is so simple an observation that I ought not even have to mention it. But, in terms of dating, this seems to be something that people notice, but do not appropriately appreciate. We’re attracted to one another like moths to flame. Yes, there are little intricacies and nuances to interpersonal, opposite sex relationships but, by and large, we like each other.
2. Beyond that fact, none of us know anything about each other, so we should stop pretending that we do.
When I was in high school, bless my psychology teacher’s heart, we were forced to listen to Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus by Dr. John Gray. You’d have thought my teacher was in love with this man the way she worshipped him. Even as a senior in high school, I understood perfectly that this man had no idea what the hell he was talking about. If he did, I doubt he would have been divorced and remarried three times. But, there is no shortage of books like this in the self-help section of your local bookstore. I remember working in the receiving bay at my local Barnes & Noble when I was 18. My supervisor had a little phrase taped to the wall that I found hysterical, even 7 years later: Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. End of story.
It gets even worse when you step into the Christian self-help section, though. These are books that rehash the same BS principles, only this time these principles are reworded and apparently sanctioned by God Himself. Titles such as Every Woman’s Desire, For Women Only, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, I Gave Dating a Chance, and my personal favorite, How To Get a Date Worth Keeping: Be Dating In Six Months or Your Money Back! seem to pepper the bookshelves. They all have something good to say, but they all say something different. One emasculates the man in hopes that women will love them (Every Woman’s Desire), another claims we should hearken back to the dark ages of dating by appealing to old-fashioned courtship (I Kissed Dating Goodbye), while yet another challenges us to meet five new people a week as prospective targets (How To Get a Date Worth Keeping).
Yeah, we’ve got it all figured out.
3. Games are stupid…not to mention a colossal waste of time.
Talking with my friend Janice, earlier this afternoon we spoke briefly about this subject. The comment was made, ‘We all play games.’ No. Basketball and hockey are games. Toying mercilessly with someone else’s emotions is not a game. Mean and dumb are two words that [immediately] come to mind. As a matter of fact, people who play this game are stupid and have no idea what a game is. The worst part? Some people are so adept at playing a game they don’t even realize they’re even doing it. And this isn’t a dig at women only, if that’s what you’re thinking. (This ‘venom’ isn’t directed at any one person in particular—I haven’t been burned relationally in quite some time.) Men do this, too. They string women along emotionally, delivering in the area of physical affection, yet become conveniently aloof when it comes to the deeper meaning of the relationship.
4. Being upfront is less of a hassle.
I have often been accused of being too forward. More often than not, my forthrightness is mistaken for one of three things—1. A lack of wisdom
2. Being overly aggressive or 3. Being desperate for any type of relationship. While I have found myself succumbing to one of these three things from time to time, this is usually not the case.
Hey. Here’s a novel idea: If you like someone or you’re attracted to them, tell them. Ask them out on a real date even. The worst they can do is say no. (Well, there are a couple worse things they could do, but I’m trying to keep things simple.) And even if they do, so what? It’s their loss. You’re a great guy/girl, right? Why this approach? It seems so….awkward. You'd think the answer would be obvious, but let me paint a picture for you.
As a teenager, I worked the concession stand at my local Cineplex. My pet peeve was serving other black people who pretended to not know what they wanted when they finally got to the counter. They knew what they wanted. I knew what they wanted. Hell, even the theatre chain knew what they wanted and stocked up on more of it when “black” movies came out. We like nachos and cheese, hot dogs, Watermelon Sour Patch Kids, and fruit punch or orange pop. It’s not a stereotype and I don’t mean to set “my people” back 40 years or anything or cause any type of racial division. It’s simply an observation that was almost always true. (That’s not the point of this entry, though. You can read Diogene’s blog for that kind of heady material.) What drove me crazy was the false pretenses people would put up about ordering something other that what we both already knew they were going to get. Why pretend to even consider the popcorn and hem and haw at me when you know and I know you want the nachos? The only consideration really left was ‘What size?’ You’re wasting both of our time, you’re gonna get a bad seat and you’re holding up my line.
The same is true of relationships. If you like someone, why waste time pretending you don’t? There is no waste of time in being friends. Don’t hear me saying that. But, it is wasting time by one or both parties acting as if they have no desire for each other. You want him. He wants you. Go for it. Even if the interest is not returned (which, unfortunately, is often the case), at least it’s out there.
Some find this approach much too forward and unwise. Most people who say this are women, so this answer is for the most part directed at them: If you don’t want honesty now, don’t expect it later.
5. God doesn’t have nearly as much to do with dating as you’d like Him to. (For Christians only, unless you’re pre-Christian and game for what I have to say)
Currently, I’m interested in a few different women. Some blonde. Some brunette. Some younger. Some older. Some non-comittally dating other people. I’m an equal opportunity dater.
Often, I hear people say they are waiting for God to bring someone to them. (Actually, this is often what I refer to as ‘the Christian cop-out’; nothing more than a nice way of saying, ‘I’m not interested in you, so find yourself a nice hole to crawl in and die you scumbag.’) But, for those who aren’t using it as a poor excuse, God doesn’t have very much to do with this process.
My thoughts on this are simple. God does not really care who we date. (Sorry if that thought makes you squeamish.) He didn’t even make Adam date Eve. He simply presented her to the man. Adam made the next step. The key is not who we date, but how we date them. Sure, there are some basic principles laid down in Scripture about the type of person and the characteristics you ought to look for, but there are 6 billion people on the planet. What are the odds that more than one are bound to have good qualities? Its ultimately your job to decide which one is a keeper. Do we treat her with love and tenderness? Do we treat him with honor and respect? In the end, even if you and I don’t get married to whoever it is we date right now or down the road, if we date in a way consistent with principles of Godliness, there will be less regrets that enter into our seperate marriage beds.
So, those are my thoughts. I’m still learning and I’m still growing. I've been around the bend once. I find the second time around is more refreshing. I’m not a player. I’m not a pimp. I’m a person. So are you. What are your thoughts?