Welcome to the Unexpected Life: 2005.05

5.31.2005

Twitterpated

You know you're in love when you can't
fall asleep because reality is finally
better than your dreams.
~~Dr. Suess~~

I’ve been thinking about the subject of love as of late. I don’t know what’s brought this on, really. Maybe it’s that springtime is in the air. Everything is fresh, especially the thought of budding romance. Like Thumper in Bambi, I find myself getting all “twitterpated.” Or, maybe it’s that I’ve been burned in the past and I wonder if real love actually exists in the sense we think it does. Maybe it’s that I just got done watching The Notebook for the umpteenth time followed by a steady diet of the musical stylings of Jill Scott and Kindred the Family Soul. Maybe it’s because the sensual and downright erotic Song of Songs is quite possibly one of my favorite books in all of Scripture. Maybe it’s just that, as a human being created in the image of God, I was made to love and to be loved.

The endless pursuit of love is a term that could sum up rather succinctly the statement of my life. My pursuit does not stem from an unhealthy desire for a relationship with the opposite sex. My relationship with Christ is as strong as it has ever been. In his book, Wild at Heart, John Eldredge makes the claim that part of rediscovering the masculine soul is that realizing men long for a beauty to rescue. Women, in turn, are said to long to be caught up in a romance that is bigger than themselves. “Let’s face it”, Hitch says, “No woman sits around hoping “Gee. I hope I don’t get swept off my feet today.” But, in all honesty, I think we all want to be caught up in a romance. We’re wired that way.

In one of my more recent entries, I pointed out the obvious fact that men and women like each other. Now, I am not calling for some sort of hedonistic pursuit of pleasure. That would be foolish. Proverbs 31:10 says, “A virtuous woman, who can find? Her worth is far above rubies.” The rest of this particular Biblical passage goes through a litany of characteristics of “a virtuous woman.” Forgive me for thinking it’s a daft idea to not look for something you’re supposed to find.

All I want is to find that person who will love me the rest of my life. Through morning breath. Through disagreements. Through unsure times. Through late night diaper changes and lullabies. Through health scares. Through times of spiritual silence. But, also through times of passionate love-making through the night. Through finishing each others sentences because we know each other’s mind inside and out. Through times of joint and individual accomplishment. Through watching our children stroll down the aisle to receive their diploma. Through times of spiritual revelation. I want all of those things. All of those things and so much more. I will look for it until I have found it and I will not settle for less. God put that desire in all of us, even though we might express it in different ways.

5.18.2005

Confessions of a Serial Dater

"We come to love not by
finding a perfect person,
but by learning to see an
imperfect person perfectly."
~~Sam Keen~~

I love when people give me advice about women. I think its funny, cause more often than not, they’ve got no idea what the heck they’re talking about. ‘Listen C,’ they almost always begin. ‘If you want to get a woman you need to do this or that.’ And it always ranges from doing something recklessly stupid, like pretending I’m not interested (Which is simply a waste of time—more on this later) or some slick move that forces a conversation on the unwitting opposite sex. I generally sit and listen to these ‘experts’ (who are generally perpetually single) and nod and pretend to be awed by their dim-witted full-proof plans of woman-domination. I love it when women’s magazines like Cosmo and Mademoiselle purport to know ‘what men need’—sexual and otherwise. More often than not I read this stuff and think, “Wow. I’ve never wanted any of what this woman is talking about…This woman is full of it.” As a person who used to be a serial dater and has been called every name in the book when it comes to dating, I don’t claim to be an authority on the subject, but I’ve got my fair share of experience, so I’m not an idiot.

Some things I have figured out in my time in the dating world:

1. Men and women like each other…a lot.

This is so simple an observation that I ought not even have to mention it. But, in terms of dating, this seems to be something that people notice, but do not appropriately appreciate. We’re attracted to one another like moths to flame. Yes, there are little intricacies and nuances to interpersonal, opposite sex relationships but, by and large, we like each other.

2. Beyond that fact, none of us know anything about each other, so we should stop pretending that we do.

When I was in high school, bless my psychology teacher’s heart, we were forced to listen to Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus by Dr. John Gray. You’d have thought my teacher was in love with this man the way she worshipped him. Even as a senior in high school, I understood perfectly that this man had no idea what the hell he was talking about. If he did, I doubt he would have been divorced and remarried three times. But, there is no shortage of books like this in the self-help section of your local bookstore. I remember working in the receiving bay at my local Barnes & Noble when I was 18. My supervisor had a little phrase taped to the wall that I found hysterical, even 7 years later: Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. End of story.

It gets even worse when you step into the Christian self-help section, though. These are books that rehash the same BS principles, only this time these principles are reworded and apparently sanctioned by God Himself. Titles such as Every Woman’s Desire, For Women Only, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, I Gave Dating a Chance, and my personal favorite, How To Get a Date Worth Keeping: Be Dating In Six Months or Your Money Back! seem to pepper the bookshelves. They all have something good to say, but they all say something different. One emasculates the man in hopes that women will love them (Every Woman’s Desire), another claims we should hearken back to the dark ages of dating by appealing to old-fashioned courtship (I Kissed Dating Goodbye), while yet another challenges us to meet five new people a week as prospective targets (How To Get a Date Worth Keeping).

Yeah, we’ve got it all figured out.

3. Games are stupid…not to mention a colossal waste of time.

Talking with my friend Janice, earlier this afternoon we spoke briefly about this subject. The comment was made, ‘We all play games.’ No. Basketball and hockey are games. Toying mercilessly with someone else’s emotions is not a game. Mean and dumb are two words that [immediately] come to mind. As a matter of fact, people who play this game are stupid and have no idea what a game is. The worst part? Some people are so adept at playing a game they don’t even realize they’re even doing it. And this isn’t a dig at women only, if that’s what you’re thinking. (This ‘venom’ isn’t directed at any one person in particular—I haven’t been burned relationally in quite some time.) Men do this, too. They string women along emotionally, delivering in the area of physical affection, yet become conveniently aloof when it comes to the deeper meaning of the relationship.

4. Being upfront is less of a hassle.

I have often been accused of being too forward. More often than not, my forthrightness is mistaken for one of three things—1. A lack of wisdom
2. Being overly aggressive or 3. Being desperate for any type of relationship. While I have found myself succumbing to one of these three things from time to time, this is usually not the case.

Hey. Here’s a novel idea: If you like someone or you’re attracted to them, tell them. Ask them out on a real date even. The worst they can do is say no. (Well, there are a couple worse things they could do, but I’m trying to keep things simple.) And even if they do, so what? It’s their loss. You’re a great guy/girl, right? Why this approach? It seems so….awkward. You'd think the answer would be obvious, but let me paint a picture for you.

As a teenager, I worked the concession stand at my local Cineplex. My pet peeve was serving other black people who pretended to not know what they wanted when they finally got to the counter. They knew what they wanted. I knew what they wanted. Hell, even the theatre chain knew what they wanted and stocked up on more of it when “black” movies came out. We like nachos and cheese, hot dogs, Watermelon Sour Patch Kids, and fruit punch or orange pop. It’s not a stereotype and I don’t mean to set “my people” back 40 years or anything or cause any type of racial division. It’s simply an observation that was almost always true. (That’s not the point of this entry, though. You can read Diogene’s blog for that kind of heady material.) What drove me crazy was the false pretenses people would put up about ordering something other that what we both already knew they were going to get. Why pretend to even consider the popcorn and hem and haw at me when you know and I know you want the nachos? The only consideration really left was ‘What size?’ You’re wasting both of our time, you’re gonna get a bad seat and you’re holding up my line.

The same is true of relationships. If you like someone, why waste time pretending you don’t? There is no waste of time in being friends. Don’t hear me saying that. But, it is wasting time by one or both parties acting as if they have no desire for each other. You want him. He wants you. Go for it. Even if the interest is not returned (which, unfortunately, is often the case), at least it’s out there.

Some find this approach much too forward and unwise. Most people who say this are women, so this answer is for the most part directed at them: If you don’t want honesty now, don’t expect it later.

5. God doesn’t have nearly as much to do with dating as you’d like Him to. (For Christians only, unless you’re pre-Christian and game for what I have to say)

Currently, I’m interested in a few different women. Some blonde. Some brunette. Some younger. Some older. Some non-comittally dating other people. I’m an equal opportunity dater.

Often, I hear people say they are waiting for God to bring someone to them. (Actually, this is often what I refer to as ‘the Christian cop-out’; nothing more than a nice way of saying, ‘I’m not interested in you, so find yourself a nice hole to crawl in and die you scumbag.’) But, for those who aren’t using it as a poor excuse, God doesn’t have very much to do with this process.

My thoughts on this are simple. God does not really care who we date. (Sorry if that thought makes you squeamish.) He didn’t even make Adam date Eve. He simply presented her to the man. Adam made the next step. The key is not who we date, but how we date them. Sure, there are some basic principles laid down in Scripture about the type of person and the characteristics you ought to look for, but there are 6 billion people on the planet. What are the odds that more than one are bound to have good qualities? Its ultimately your job to decide which one is a keeper. Do we treat her with love and tenderness? Do we treat him with honor and respect? In the end, even if you and I don’t get married to whoever it is we date right now or down the road, if we date in a way consistent with principles of Godliness, there will be less regrets that enter into our seperate marriage beds.

So, those are my thoughts. I’m still learning and I’m still growing. I've been around the bend once. I find the second time around is more refreshing. I’m not a player. I’m not a pimp. I’m a person. So are you. What are your thoughts?

5.06.2005

The Confusing Plan of God, Part III

"If you want to make God laugh,
tell Him about your plans."
~~Woody Allen~~

I finished a project today that was extremely stressful. For the last two and a half weeks I have been putting together a three disc DVD set for Paradox Church, the church plant I am involved with on the east side of Detroit. I won’t bore you with the technical details of how one dumps video footage into the editor, edits it, and eventually gets it onto a DVD. It’s exciting for me, but probably not in the least bit interesting to other people. I’m quirky like that. For some reason, however, a mix of over-committing myself, scheduling mishaps, purported college preparation, money woes, haggling with my former roommates, system crashes, a shorter than usual attention span, wasted DVD’s, an earlier move than expected, and everything going wrong that could possibly go wrong served to do nothing but frustrate me.

All throughout my life I have made plans. I don’t think I’ve set any of them in stone. There are very few things I have to do that are ‘scheduled’ in the traditional sense of the word. I’d like to think I’m a pretty open and flexible guy. Generally, I get to do what I want to do in life. That is all about to change, and I will have to pick and choose where I commit myself and where I choose to pass on one thing or the other.

So, what’s the theme? I’m an open and flexible guy, right? But, even the small plans I have been making continue to be frustrated. Let’s not even get started on the big plans I had for my life only 5 short years ago. What is God trying to say to me? Proverbs 19:21 (Message) states: We humans keep brainstorming options and plans, but God's purpose prevails. My prayer is that my plans, the plans I currently have, are the plans of God for my life. I’m not 100% certain they are. I am simply following what I think could be the direction He has chosen for me to go which, by the way, I have no idea where that actually is. If they’re my plans, as usual, they’ll be frustrated. If they’re the plans of God, they’ll obviously prevail. Either way, I have no idea what they amount to.

Still confused. But, for once, it’s a comfortable confusion. I’m sure that doesn’t make sense to most of you, but it does to me.

5.05.2005

The Repulsive/Wonderful Cross

O the wonderful cross,
O the wonderful cross,
Bids me come and die and
find that I may truly live
O the wonderful cross,
O the wonderful cross,
All who gather here by
grace draw near and
bless your name

I had an remarkable discussion this evening (via Instant Messenger) with a decent friend of mine regarding the hope the person of Christ offers people versus the lack of hope I see offered by paganism. I will spare you the details of much of that conversation, as it might be of personal interest and I do not wish to cast my friend in a bad light. I cherish his friendship and admire his heart. But, something he said during the conversation really stuck out to me. As we were talking back and forth about Christ’s hope versus paganism’s lack thereof (from my POV and a Biblical standpoint, not his), he said, “Well, I for one am completely repulsed by crucifixes.” The thought was kind of left dangling--orphaned by a larger dialogue--and I never got an opportunity to comment about it. But, my mind has been wrapping itself around his statement all evening. Repulsed? By the cross?

For years, Christians have sung hymns such as ‘When I Survey The Wondrous Cross’. We have peppered our sanctuaries and worship centers with crosses. We have hung them around our necks and dangled them from our rearview mirrors. While there are many across the globe who have not heard the Gospel of the Cross of Christ for the first time, there are few people I know personally who are not familiar with, at least, the relic of Christianity itself. The cross is beautiful? Isn’t it?

Quick history lesson. Crucifixion was probably thought up by the Persians and perfected by those wonderful people affectionately referred to as the Roman Empire. There is evidence, that captured pirates were crucified in the port of Athens in the 7th century BC. Alexander the Great introduced the practice throughout his empire. He once crucified a general who disagreed with his campaign plans. Romans adopted the custom from Carthage and used it for slaves, rebels, and especially despised enemies and criminals. Condemned Roman citizens were usually exempt from crucifixion except for high crimes against the state, such as treason. The Romans used it during the Spartacus rebellion, during the Roman Civil War, and the destruction of Jerusalem. Crucifixion was considered an humiliating way to die. The victim was tied or nailed to a large wooden cross (Latin: crux) and left to hang there until dead. So, crucifixion was torturous on a good day and the closest one could come to hell on earth on every other day. One begins to get the idea.

With this in mind, I can understand my friend’s view. The cross sucks. It’s repulsive. It’s not something I desire. Honestly. Who desires to die excruciatingly? Who desires to die humiliated? Who gets up in the morning, goes to work, supports his family, and dreams of one day being stripped naked, whipped, nailed to a wooden beam, and put on display for the whole world to see? Can’t say I’ve done that lately.

Yet, the cross beckons me. Why? How?

I Corinthians 1:18-28 (KJV) states:

For the preaching of the cross is to them that perish foolishness; but unto us which are saved it is the power of God. For it is written, I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and will bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent. Where is the wise? where is the scribe? where is the disputer of this world? hath not God made foolish the wisdom of this world? For after that in the wisdom of God the world by wisdom knew not God, it pleased God by the foolishness of preaching to save them that believe. For the Jews require a sign, and the Greeks seek after wisdom: But we preach Christ crucified, unto the Jews a stumbling block, and unto the Greeks foolishness; But unto them which are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God, and the wisdom of God. Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is stronger than men. For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called: But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty; And base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are…

Rapper KRS-One raps in his song, ‘The Truth’, “See what if Jesus Christ, was hung upon a tree/Upon every church wall, that's exactly what you'd see/If Jesus Christ, was shot in the head with no respect/We'd all have little gold guns around our neck…” Some people actually do just that. While there is no way for me to prove his statement and I find much of the song’s rhetoric juvenile and misinformed, I think he tapped into something true.

Why do Christians find the cross beautiful rather than repulsive? Why do we look at the cross as a worthy symbol within Christianity? It is exactly for the reason that, upon a Roman cross Jesus Christ physically took our place as a worthy sacrifice for our sin. For some who read this, that statement is nothing new. But, for others, many of them my friends, it is something they do not yet understand. Because of our sin a division--a literal schism-- has been created between us and the Creator of the Universe. Because of our sin, we deserve nothing but the fires of hell. And, at the eleventh hour, Jesus Christ took our place upon the cross to redeem the world of that sin, and restore right relationship between God the Father and His creation (John 3:16-21).

What Christ left at the cross repulses me. My sin. My death. My debt. Every ugly thought I’ve had. Every terrible deed I’ve done. But, what Jesus bought me at the cross is exquisite--salvation from hell. Hope that as I walk through this life, God walks beside me. Hope that when I am called home, I will go to be with Him and know Him “face-to-face” (I Corinthians 13:12) for all of eternity. Religious practices, observances, and beliefs do not attain that. Christ alone secured our salvation. Salvation can be found nowhere but at the foot of a Roman torture device.

I freely admit, that seems foolish. Stupid even. Then again, the foolishness of God is wiser than men.

5.04.2005

Voices From Another World

"One needs occasionally
to stand aside from the
hum and rush of
human interests and passions
to hear the voices of God."
~~Anna Julia Cooper~~

Ok.

I’m all moved out of my old apartment and I’m all moved into what I affectionately refer to as ‘The Pad.’ As large as it is, it has its advantages and disadvantages. It allows for a measure of privacy like I’ve never had before. I could camp out in any given part of the house and never be disturbed. It’s ideal for writing, reading, and contemplating deep into the night (not that I consider myself to be profound by any means). On the other hand, I long for connection but find myself alone a lot of the time.

But, the solitude has been good for me. It forces me to listen to the voice of God I’ve been complaining about not hearing as of late. And, even when I’m not alone, I am hearing the voice of God in the voices of others. My pastor. My new friends. My old friends. I am hearing His voice in some relatively unsurprising places. But, I’m also hearing His voice in places I had not quite expected: In my sin.

My thoughts regarding certain people and relationships have been…less than stellar? I have been quick to judge. Quick to accuse. Quick to put off. Quick to ‘defend my defamed name.’ And God is whispering to me through it.

Despite the new digs, the last hurrah this situation presents me with in friendships before heading off to Rochester in the fall, the new friendships I am forming, I am saddened. Saddened by what brought me here. Saddened by the things God is telling me about the darkness of my heart. Saddened by realizing that God is telling me something I have known for so long, yet have chosen to ignore, even entrench myself deeper within. Saddened that certain things He has been calling me to for a long time I have run from for even longer.

But, there is a joy. There are things I have never believed about myself (that people have told me) that God is telling me personally. There are things happening and relationships forming that God is revealing interesting and emotionally liberating things about.

So, right now, I am a mix of sadness and joy. But, God is speaking.

Welcome to the Unexpected Life