The Next (Brief) Chapter
"This opens the door on another
chapter of history."
~~Walter Cronkite~~
The unexpected life is sometimes a bittersweet reality.
I’m all moved out of my old apartment and moved into my new one. I’ve got 3 ½ months before I pack it all up and do it again. So, this is a brief chapter in my life I was not expecting. My life is turning out to be a series of brief chapters, actually. Interludes.
Five years ago when I got married, I thought it was for life. I really did. Call it youthful naivety. Call it Christian optimism. One million broken promises, ten thousand arguments, two daughters, and one final judgment later, my thoughts have proven flawed.
One year ago when I moved in with my roommates, Tom and Eric, I thought I was embarking on a bold new adventure. We had a housewarming party where I prepared a toast to the journey we had set out on. It’s too bad only a few people showed up (well after midnight) and my toast was never heard. Regardless, it was a bold new adventure for me. I had hopes our friendship would stand the test of time and the test of close quarters. One million misunderstandings, a long period of unemployment, and an unforeseen eviction later, my hopes have been dashed upon the rocks.
I’ve entered yet another chapter of my life. I’m not entirely sure how it’ll all turn out. I’ve moved in with two close friends whom I have had disagreements and arguments with throughout the 8 years I have known them. Our friendships have been tested by fire. This will be no different. Then again, it just might be.
This chapter has ‘Brief’ written all over it. As a matter of fact, its almost a last hurrah when I think about it at length. In 3 ½ months I’m moving to Rochester College and will undoubtedly experience a whole new sphere of friends and friendships where our shared experience as college students on the same campus will bind us together. One of my new roommates is moving to Arizona to become part of a core team of church planters in the Tempe area the day after I leave for school. As for our third roommate, I’m not sure what he’s going to do, but I don’t foresee his abilities keeping him here forever. So, I find this is a brief chapter in the story of our lives, mine in particular, that turns the plot, closing out certain aspects of the story that have taken place thusfar.
What does the future hold? Besides the stuff that was blatantly my fault, why have I gone through so much pain in order to get me wherever it is God is directing me? My pastor, Craig, offered me some awesome counsel that really encouraged me. The tough times, the changing of the guard, the end of my dreams to finally pursue the dreams of God. These are the times when God is molding me and changing me into the vessel He dreams of using to do His work. Most of the time, the molding process sucks. The unexpected life coupled with my own sin nature doesn’t help matters, either.
You know, I have no idea what the heck God is up to. I don’t. Guess I’ll find out when He publishes the story of my life. Hopefully, this chapter I’m in ends up being a cool one.
It Is Well...
Life is tough right now.
It is well with my soul.
My marriage is over.
It is well with my soul.
My family has been torn asunder.
It is well with my soul.
My heart has been broken.
It is well with my soul.
I miss my daughter.
It is well with my soul.
My friendships are strained.
It is well with my soul.
I find it difficult to trust.
It is well with my soul.
I find it difficult to love like Christ.
It is well with my soul.
I have been betrayed by my roommates.
It is well with my soul.
I cannot hear or feel God in this desert I have made.
It is well with my soul.
I hate this sinful flesh I live in.
It is well with my soul.
I cannot do right as hard as I try.
It is well with my soul.
It is not well with my soul.
Even so, it is well with my soul.
When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrow like sea billows roll.
Whatever my lot Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well, with my soul
My sin oh the bliss of this glorious thought.
My sin not in part but the whole
Are nailed to that cross and I'll bear them no more
Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord, O my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul.
And Lord, haste the day when my faith
shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll.
The trump shall resound, and the Lord
shall descend
Even so, it is well with my soul
An Honest Ramble
"The trouble with her is that
she lacks the power
of conversation but not
the power of speech."
~~George Bernard Shaw, literary critic~~
Sometimes people write or speak even when they have nothing to say. They ramble on and on and on and on without ever having said a word. Rambling is an interesting thing really. It pulls something out of those who are on the receiving end of a rant or ramble about this or that subject that we care nothing about. Thankfully, if you’re reading someone’s rambling you can always just stop reading mid-sentence. And if they ask you about what your thoughts were later on, you can make something up about how amazing or thought-provoking it was for you. Of course, one should be careful not to go overboard in their admiration, or they might find themselves on the end of a specific question about what touched them the most, exposing the nice little fib. However, finding yourself in the middle of a conversation where all you are doing is listening to someone ramble about something you could never have any interest in, or worse yet, finding yourself listening to someone ramble about something completely nonsensical is possibly the most awful situation. One has to create all sorts of creative ways to get out of these circumstances. It’s great if you’ve got a spouse, significant other, or really good friend nearby; it provides you with a natural exit. Some people even develop a system of sorts. Tapping your foot once for a ‘Get me out of here, now!’ and twice for ‘Come get me in 3 minutes and make up a fake emergency.’ But, its terrible if you’re one-on-one. People are simply too nice about it. They will sit and waste 30 minutes listening to someone talk about nothing rather than say, “Hey, this subject really doesn’t interest me all that much.” This is why people often go to movies on first dates. People are getting away from that practice now, because they feel its not conducive to conversation. I beg to differ, but that is a hairy discussion for another day. It also spills over into people saying things like ‘We should get together some time soon,’ and your being agreeable, when it is the last thing you want. But, now you’re locked in. You would have been better off saying, “No, we shouldn’t.” We all do it, of course. There are times when listening to someone ramble on about themselves or a particular subject of interest seems important--like when you’re trying to close a business deal or listening to a pastor speak about something you’ve heard him speak about before…again. We cry for honesty, but decry when people are honest. So, we pretend. We pretend to be interested. We pretend to care. Thus, we breed a civilization of people who pretend to care about other people. It stems from an unwritten ideal about fairness. You listen to me. I listen to you. The world is much larger than a stream of thought like this can make it out to be, of course, but one gets the point. There are bigger issues to worry about than getting cornered by a friend or loved one (read: family reunions, Christmas, Easter, Fourth of July) you know is simply going to squander moments of your life you can never get back. But, bigger issues always start with smaller issues. Does this mean we ought to tell everyone who talks about something we don’t care about to go speak with someone who does? No. Is there sometimes a virtue in selfishness? Absolutely. Even Jesus had to get away from people every now and then. At first, equating Jesus with selfishness doesn’t exactly seem kosher, but one must imagine if He was 100% man and 100% God, both His humanity and divinity did not always feel like listening about the biggest catch the Zebedee brothers ever made for their father's fishing company or how much money Matthew used to make in his previous business venture. People ramble. That is all that has been done here. Some people stopped reading somewhere near the beginning, which is fine, honest even. Point? Sometimes we need to listen. Sometimes we need to tap our foot.
The Confusing Plan of God, Part II
"God will not permit any troubles to come upon
us, unless He has a specific plan by which
great blessing can come out of the difficulty."
~~Peter Marshall~~
I spent this evening with friends out in the woods praying. Seriously. Jason. Amanda. Shannon. Dena. Brandon. All new friends. Each of them I’m learning to entrust with my heart and soul. That’s not easy. That’s also, not the point.
Being in the forest was supposed to get us closer to God. Amanda often walks the nature trail and wanted to share part of how she experiences the Creator with the rest of us. Now, I’m not exactly “the man’s man.” I don’t understand cars. I don’t like football. I don’t think farting is funny. And I don’t exactly enjoy being outdoors. That’s not to say I couldn’t learn to like those things, and thereby become the Westernized definition of what it means to be a man. I’m just saying, where I am now, I don’t particularly take pleasure in any of those things. That, also, is not the point.
Standing outdoors, in the middle of the woods, a biting cold nipping at my legs and chest, I simply talked to God. As everyone else prayed their prayers of thanksgiving and prayers of petition, I tried to formulate what I might say to Him. After all, there were a million thoughts and desires and worries flowing freely though my mind. I don’t remember much of what I said, really. I kind of fumbled around for the right words to say. All I recollect is a desperate heart. I know God’s plan for my life. I’ve known that plan for a long time now. Problem is, I guess God thinks I’ve known this plan for too long. Apparently, now its time to actually follow it. Safety be damned! Damned! Damned! Damned!
I feel as if I have been thrust right into the midst of peril. No (foreseeable) place to live. No roommates. No wife. (No companion to walk the road with me. No lover to share my bed.) No children. A new college. A new church. Old friendships broken (or strained). New friendships to start from scratch. And I don’t understand any of it. Not a single thing. I’m thankful for certain aspects. Who can honestly frown upon new friendships? But, I also struggle against becoming bitter about other aspects. I don’t understand having my family ripped from me in such a cruel, heart-breaking fashion. I simply can’t. There has not been a single Christian platitude given to adequately explain it. And, in heavenly fashion, God has remained silent on just about everything.
What I do remember is praying for God to explain part of His plan. I’ll follow Him through the fires of Hell if I have to, but I truly need some sort of explanation. Dena asked me, “What would God have to say to you, Cal? What do you want Him to say?” I don’t recall what my response was. I think I BS’d my way through it. Something along the lines of “Anything. Some sort of explanation. Anything but, ‘Trust me.’”
So, here I stand. I don’t understand a thing about this crazy, mixed-up plan of God. From what I’ve read in the Bible, chances are, this side of heaven I will never understand it. Maybe I should just get used to that. I can’t say it’s the most efficient way of running a universe and keeping people faithful, but since He’s kept the universe running and people have remained more-or-less faithful through the ages, I don’t have much room to talk, do I. I just…wish…
Overwhelmed
Answer me when I call to you,
O my righteous God.
Give me relief from my distress;
be merciful to me and hear my prayer.
Psalm 4:1
So, I’m feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment.
Thursday morning I went and toured Rochester College in Rochester Hills, MI. It was a nice experience. I got to talk with people just like me. I got to chat with professors. I got to walk the property and find out a little about the area. But, on the car ride home, I began to panic. How am I going to afford it? Where am I going to live in the meantime between attending class and (possibly) moving on campus? What am I going to do for work once I’m out there? What does Jesus ultimately want of me? Does returning to college help with that?
There’s also a lot bouncing around in my heart and mind regarding the church plant I’m a part of. I know I’m committed to it. I’m just trying to get my thoughts in order so that what I have to offer is a blessing and not a hindrance.
In the grand scheme of what’s going on around the world right now, my problems are rather insignificant. The tsunami in Asia continues to affect that region. The epic battle over the life of Terry Schiavo has come to a crushing end. The passing of Pope John Paul II, a man of deep faith and conviction has moved 1.2 billion Catholics to a place of profound mourning. But, I can only come from where I am. Does that make sense?
I guess I don’t have any spiritual insight this time around. If you have a personal relationship with Christ it would mean everything for you to pray for me right now. If you don’t know Christ yet, well, I’d love to try my hand at maybe answering some questions you might have about what its like and sharing my story with you. Who knows? You might get to know Him yourself.
Peace and intensity.
The Beginning of All Comings and Goings...
It was like this, The tree which sprang from the core of the Apple that Digory planted in the back garden, lived and grew into a fine tree…when Digory was quite middle-aged (and he was a famous learned man, a Professor, and a great traveller by that time) and the Ketterleys’ old house belonged to him, there was a great storm all over the south of England which blew the tree down. He couldn’t bear to have it simply chopped up for firewood, so he had part of the timber made into a wardrobe, which he put into his big house in the country. And though he himself did not discover the magic properties of that wardrobe, someone else did. That was the beginning of all the comings and goings between Narnia and our world…
~~from The Magician’s Nephew by C.S. Lewis~~
Certain tales stick with us for life. Maybe its because they help us define something about our existence. Maybe its because years after they have been read, they can be picked up by the adults-once-children who have taken on the weight of the world of circumstance, and usher them back to a place of child-like magic and wonder. For those who are children now, I believe those stories will be Harry Potter (and whatever it is he might be facing this tome around). But, for my generation--the emerging generation--the tale that is as much a part of us as breathing is The Chronicles of Narnia.When my family left Japan when I was a young boy, our church gave us the boxed set of the Chronicles. I read through them voraciously. It was as if I had never read a book before. I simply devoured the tale. I witness the Founding of Narnia and the arrival of evil upon her shores. I’m there as Lucy Pevensie travels too far into the wardrobe, arriving at a lamp in the wood and meeting gentle Mr. Tumnus. I taste the Turkish Delight as Edmund consumes his own judgment. I cry as Aslan (Turkish for “lion”) pays the horrifying cost of Edmund’s treachery. I am riding the Narnian horse, Bree, with Shasta as he escapes from a life he was never meant to live in order to discover his true identity and destiny. You get the idea. The tale has stayed with me. And now, Disney and Walden Media have just finished principle photography of the first film in the series, The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, releasing Christmas 2005. Soon, a whole new generation will experience the magic of C.S. Lewis’ created world.The Magician’s Nephew is my favorite, though. It’s like the special features of a DVD. A lot of people don’t watch the special features, which is simply a waste of DVD’s capabilities, I think. Sure, knowing what a grip boy or second assistant director does isn’t that important. But, occasionally, you’ll get some insight into what a director or actor was thinking as a certain scene was fleshed out in reality. Inevitably, it always adds something to the experience of watching the film. This is what The Magician’s Nephew accomplishes, giving the reader insight into what went on before all the journeys in Narnia began. It provides the reader with a glimpse of the adventure before all other adventures. How did Narnia come to be? Was it exciting? Where did the White Witch from LWW come from, or was she just always there? What makes Narnia so magical?
Right now, The Magician’s Nephew is kinda where I am in life. I’m part of this church plant on the east side of Detroit. But, its in it’s infancy. This past Sunday, a small group of seven people gathered together in my pastor’s basement and we simply prayed. We prayed for a lot of things. We prayed for direction. We prayed for decisions. We prayed about spiritual attacks. We prayed about the character of the people God would have lead this part of His Church. We prayed that God would bring people with talents and servant hearts out of the woodwork. These are things going on behind the scenes of what God is doing.The Apple in Digory’s back garden has been planted, has grown into a tree, has been blown over, and now we are fashioning a wardrobe from the timber. In a year and a half, prayerfully, the doors of the wardrobe will open to the east side and people will leave the Shadow Lands so they might enter a magical land--a land where they might experience the Great Lion, “the son of the Emperor-over-the-sea, dwelling beyond the Eastern Ocean, past Aslan’s Country, and the World’s End.”See you on the other side of the wardrobe.
For Pharaoh. May your heart be softened.
Happy Birthday, bro.
The Confusing Plan of God
"Confusion is a word we have invented for an
order which is not yet understood."
~~Henry Miller, American Author~~
So, I’m twenty-five and this is not where I envisioned my life. I’ve had my fair share of bad days. I’ve made my fair share of mistakes--large and small. I’ve got my fair share of regrets. I’ve had my fair share of failures. Sometimes I look back and wonder why the heck I even started some of the riskier things I tried. I’ve been told that dreams, more often than not, end up shattered. Not too sure I agree with that. Maybe we just lose sight of them.
Since I was in middle school, I’ve always known God has had plans for me. Sometimes it has led to pride. I mean, come on! When you’re in middle and high school and your faith hasn’t had a real chance to be riddled with holes and cynicism from postmodern or emergent or whatever we’re calling our culture at the moment, it’s not hard to get overly prideful about it. God, sometimes referred to as ‘The Creator of the Cosmos’, has big plans for me. There are 6 billion people on the planet. It simply boggles the mind that a being with “phenomenal cosmic powers!” has set aside enough time to think up a part for me in His grand play. Think about it. This is the same dude who makes the sun rise and set, keeps gravity working, and the moon controlling the tides. Did I mention, it’s the same guy Who gave us the belly button, the natural lint trap? And, while all this stuff is going on, I’m part of something He’s up to.
The main thing about knowing that God has a plan for my life is that pride is not the major feeling I get. I live in a continual state of confusion. There are countless failures that haunt me. That’s just me being brutally honest. Of course, it could have something to do with the fact that the same God Who makes the sun rise and set, also allows earthquakes, tsunamis, genocide, euthanasia, and terrorism. I suppose He’s got his reasons, though. I don’t presume to know the mind of God. But, that’s not the point. Confusion reigns supreme. I wonder, how can this God--this God Who has this big plan for me--allow me to make mistake after mistake after mistake followed by regret after regret after regret?
By no means do I play the ‘perpetual sufferer.’ You know the type of person I’m talking about. The person that is simply a drain to be in a relationship with. Sure, I’ve been victimized. Conversely, I’ve also been the victimizer. I am both sinner and saint. Strange dichotomy. But, then again, so are most of the people reading this. I think we all are unsettled with where we are in life, whether our mistakes will keep us from our dreams, and if the plan we think God has for our lives was nothing more than bad Chinese coupled by light from Venus reflecting off swamp gas near some power lines we live beneath.
Next week I’m checking out Rochester College in Rochester Hills, Michigan. Maybe I’ll get to attend in the fall. Maybe I won’t. Being a 26 year-old university freshman was never part of the plan. But, it’s a step toward understanding. Does that mean it’s a step away from God’s plan for my life? Gee. I sure hope not. Guess I’m just exercising all that free will I keep hearing so much about. Who knows? I could be just as confused about God’s plan while in college as I would be out of college. Admittedly, one is a cheaper route than the other, but I’ll never know unless I try something.
